Sunday, January 15, 2006

Cheerleaders - Bob's confession.

I often wondered, how would the life of a cheerleader be ? I am not talking of those who cheerlead for basketball matches. Not those flexible, agile and artificially voluptuous women. I am talking of men and women in suits, glasses, rolled up sleaves who jump up and down when the space craft returns home (also read as when the aliens start catching a cold and start dropping dead).

I am sure thats one cheerful job. "Its not an easy one", says bob who goes on to give me some valuable insights about what it takes to be a cheerleader.

"You got to get hysterical in an instant".
"You got yo have a good fore arm, so that when you pump your fists it looks good." "You got to to have good legs so that you can jump up and down. Its bloddy competitive", goes bob. So what is bob's secret mantra for success in a competitive market like cheerleader actors ? "My pot belly, grey mustache and bald head. My USP (Unique selling proposition) is I look like a common American 50 year old who works in NASA". In any given season for movie making bob works 3 shifts a day for over a month cheering all kinds of things.

"Some of my specials were Adam Sandler hitting the home run in a base ball game wearing red sox jersies against the yankees. Oh, how can I forget the aliens dropping dead in 'war of the worlds'. That day, I smeared half a ton of ash on my face just to blend in the back ground. Directors dont like cheerleaders to have a strikingly beautiful face. They dont want to get distracted away from Tom Cruise. As it is Tom distracts the director from his acting by praying to the scientology god in the middle of the scene. I mean the dialouges go for a toss and the director has to yell 'cut!!' every five minutes. Off late Tom and I have become close friends".

Doesent bob ever feel sad in his life ? "ya I do sometimes, but then I take vitamins and do meditation. I dont know weather it works or not. But If I take drugs my obsessive scientology friend tom would jump up and down.".

We all know he jumps up and down. But obsessive ? I dont think he is obsessive. "Dont you see he literally clutches on to Katie ?", goes bob. Bob has a point but this one stumps it all. "According to Tom, everyone in this world is crazy except for him, katie and me.". "What does tom do when he gets depressed ?", I dig sensing a scoop. "Well he has a whole crew waiting to re-shoot a scene where he kills the alien queen by seducing her and he saves the world. Tom has this storyline that his DNA is poisoness to Aliens. Katie ought to watch out". Bob can get very discriptive as he goes on in great detail. "I get the best cheermongers (excessive cheerleaders who can pull a person from the pits of post natal depression to the heights of ecstatic nirvana within minutes) to cheer him when he seduces the alien and kills her. Many times these episodes are taped for maintaining authenticity of a shoot and Tom has a whole house full of these dvds. I have a faint feeling he likes to watch himself.... errr.. saving the world in his own unique way".

I remind bob, its a talk about him and not Tom. I was a little curious. Where did he learn to laugh and cheer like he does in all those climaxes. "Well its a family tradition. It all started with war films made way back in the 40s, 50s and 60s. No one back home really wanted to believe that the battalion which won the battle of the bulge came back to the base camp and had no cheer leaders. What kind of a nation would america be, if not for the cheer leader's tradition of cheering others. My cousin was the cheerleader in Rambo. We make America's overseas screwups appear heroic back home.", he adds with a sense of supreme purpose and pride. "Even ,my mom was a cheerleader in the movie 'Revenge of the moms'", he boasts.

"What about when you dont have a job bob ? how do you practice ?", there were a zillion questions cropping up in my mind. "Its easy man, I practice every season watching hockey, football, baseball, basketball even in spellbee contests.".

Spell bee ??? is he crazy ?. "Come on man, everyone needs my service",Bob reads my mind. Bob is now looking up with dreamy eyes. "Imagine the scene. The underdog boy hero with nerdy glasses and underconfident face. He has been bullied by his class, the whole world including the gym instructor. The bully king is another kid in his class who is competing in the competition. Imagine the bully's girlfriend, hot and sexy and independant. She has a good heart and takes a liking for the underdog. Imagine, the final word to be spelled. 'Popoalopulous'"... a long pause and a sigh. "Is there a word like that ?" I ask.

" Doesent matter if its 'Popoalopulous' or dickshit", he retorts angrily. "This man is passionate about what he does", I tell myself making a mental note not to rub him the wrong way. A cheerfull Bob is any day better than an angry Bob.

"P-O-P-O-A-L-O-P-U-L-O-U-S ", he continues ignoring all other things around him. His eyes dialate widely and he is excited almost expecting some miracle. "The judges look at our boy hero and say, you are right and the timing is 5.8 seconds. 0.2 seconds faster than the evil-bully. The girlfriend dumps the evil-bully and flings herself onto the shy-nerd-hero, almost choking him in her grip.". Suddenly Bob jumps 2 feet above with laughter in his voice, victory in his demenor and anger in his face and his hands continueously pumping uppercuts. Tears stream down his eys that left me wondering. "Vow!!! this guy is something", I say to myself. Just then his phone rings bringing bob wakes up from the trance he had whipped up.

"Hey tom... how are ya ?... what ? now ?... no problems give me an hour, I will be there ?... Just wondering what is it today ? Oh ok... bomb diffusal squad ? last second bomb diffusal ?... Ok.. will be there in a jiffy.."

Bob is in a fenzy working himself up for another cheer scene.. he jumps up, stretches, claps and pumps in the air... laughing hysterically all in between.

"Bob, Bob... just one last question", I desperately interrupt wanting to grab a last piece of his attention. "do you ever cheer for yourself ?", I asked. "ya, when my wife got remarried.. I hugged the priest and one of my pumps knocked him out completely... ", he adds irritantly and not liking anything else distract him from the task at hand.

"NUCLEAR BOMB FOUND IN TOM'S BATH TUB", shouts Bob into the cellphone. "Get detonation squad ready and reach ground zero asap", he grunts.

A faint voice from his cellphone reveals a screaming crew from the other side of the cell connection.

"Oh no... Not again"...


At 4:19 AM, Blogger Neets said...

cant breathe! wll come back to post a comment when i am over

At 6:43 AM, Blogger Vasu the terrible said...

:)... atleast after this post you will have something to laugh about when watching the climax scenes of hollywood movies... or is this thought too distractive to enjoy the plot and appreciate the movie ?

ha.. never mind.. I have posted and you have read it.. now no more can you watch hollywood thrillers with the same innocence.. Its been robbed.

hee hee.. have a nice dat



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