untitled as of now.....

Often, I end up writing my thoughts and come to a point where I dont know what to name it. I thought this time, I would leave it untitled and let the reader make whatever of it. If you do come up with a title, I would be greatful and would gladly post an update. Neverheless this is how it is now.


How many times have you heard "Just be yourself, dont try to be someone else.". I was told so just yesterday. My solid, strong friend of as long as I can remember was giving his take on how my life has panned out. I value his feedback probably much more than anyone else's. Atleast he has seen my fuckups and falls right from the first ones. With each fall and each feedback he has been improving tremendously and here we are finally. "Dont try to be someone else, Just be yourself".



But what do I make of it ? This is as abstract as it can get and hey what concrete changes do I adopt. Ideally I would have loved if he had said, change this and change that. Be extremely particualar because I can change literally any part of my existance and be anything that I want. From being a charmer to a recluse. Seriously the ability to be anything that you want is a frustrating one, especially if you dont know what you want. Essentially for me it was a debate on what I "should" as supposed to what I "could" do.

Sachin went "hmmmm...." on this. He was honest and sinciere in giving me a take on my latest fuckup. But like bongs who ruminate for a long time before arriving at a diagnosis, he was as abstract as my brain could handle. Atleast he was trying to go further. "What do you do, is what you want to do ?. The whole question is within you ?". "Ok, so thats the question I should answer", I said genuinely trying to grapple with his feedback and make some sense.

"I dont know" was my honest answer. "This too shall pass", he went on to add trying to be positive and counter my sense of exasperation. "I know that", I hastened to add unconciously defending myself. Here is what good friends do. They recogonise the fact that in conversations we take defensive and offensive roles unknowingly and end up defending things which we dont believe in at all. Many times we all just slip into it. One thing leads to the other and before we know, we are poles apart drawing exaggerated personal conclusions. Ours is one of the few friendships (I know off) where we are both attuned and want to avoid it. Sachin didnt persue that line anymore and just let it go.

"The thing is, if you know what you want and if it is within reasonable expectations from the world, it will all work out", he added. I sat down thinking and trying to make sense of it all. In the current predicament, I am helpless like a wood drifting down a forcefull stream never exerting myself and anchoring to one place. Whatever I do just makes it worse. I dint like that position anymore. The past was ok, because I did want to drift. Now no more. "Wait, instead of chase", he concluded. Another thing about sachin is he has great timing almost guessing what is coming next. He says it is easy with me. "Your face cant hide a thing and thats you. Just be that."

Somewhere my flagging confidence got a boost. "Why did I take it as a complement, it isnt a good thing is it ?", I was thinking to myself. He continued, "Many times the things that happen to you may not point something in you. I am not saying, its never you. But I am saying there are things that are definitely outside of you and maybe you are not listining to it because you are damm convinced its you.". "Ya thats possible", I said. "But then what do you do ?", I asked. "You do nothing and nothing is something. But whatever you do, do it from instinct and do it honestly.", he thundered conclusively crashing his clenched fist on the metal table.

that was really helpful as it was concrete thing that I can change and it kind of fitted into my spiritual mooring of rna and karma. There are debts that need to be paid and there are consequences that need to be absorbed. Of what actions and debt to whom I am not aware of. I need to and if I get to know to who all I owe unpaid debts (not the money ones, which are always accounted for) but other stuff, I would gladly go down the path, pay all debts and be at peace.

"Now I get a hang of it", I said. with a buddha like halo flickering on like a tubelight suddenly getting a higher voltage supply. A part of me was telling me, "Watch out now!!!". This is where Sachin the Nag (snake) would strike without warning.

"I can just be honest about things and let it be without expecting anything from the outside world. I said, with a greater sense of relief". "Just be honest", he added "Just be yourself".

"But you know, listining to your fuckups give me a sense of confidence that I am not really alone.. Its very reassuring", he added with a knowing smirk on his face. "Huh...", I said stunned for a second before bursting into peals of loud laughter.

"Madharchodh..." was the only words that I could manage to get out of my mouth for the next 5 minutes.